As the mother of the bride, you have an important part in the planning and execution of your daughter’s special day. Naturally, you really want it all to go right. As you embark on this most significant of journeys, it’s important to remember that, even though you’re not the star of the show, you are certainly playing a crucial supporting role. And that, if we’re being honest, makes your task all the more tricky.
Weddings, with their endless instances of stress-inducing decisions, are notorious for bringing up anxieties and annoyances between the players. Here is where you can shine! You have an opportunity to smooth out differences, offer experience-based advice, a calming touch, and even a bit of fun to the planning, making for a seamless wedding-day experience for the bride and groom. Here are a few dos and don’ts to keep in mind.
Note: As the mother of the bride, you may be pitching in with the cost of the wedding or footing the bill completely, and these suggestions are made with your potential financial contributions in mind.
Do establish open communication with your daughter.
Once the engagement is established, sit down with the soon-to-be newlyweds and talk about how much of a role you’d like to play and what they want/expect from you. Setting clear expectations and boundaries should prevent many conflicts down the road.
Don’t impose your style on the bride.
Chances are your daughter has colors, flowers, and dress styles in mind. She may have her heart set on a specific venue or wedding theme. Even if none of her choices suit your taste, as long as they fit into the overall budget, your wishes should not override hers when it comes to how she wants her wedding to look and feel.
Do offer your opinion if asked.
If your daughter asks your opinion on any of her choices, give it freely and truthfully, but let her know you support whatever decision she makes.
Don’t let others push your daughter and her fiancé into making plans that don’t fit their needs, wants, or budget.
People have lots of ideas about what makes for the perfect wedding, but unless they’re the ones walking down the aisle, providing professional services, or writing the checks, what they have to say doesn’t matter much. Make sure your daughter knows you’re there to help her to stick to her guns and make sure to offer a supporting hand when it comes to asking others to take a step back.
Do allow for others’ opinions to be floated if your daughter is seeking them.
As the mother of the bride, you may see yourself as the gatekeeper of would-be-advice-givers, but if she’s seeking out help, particularly from those in the wedding industry, consider taking a step back and listening to what they have to say. Afterward, you can serve as a sounding board or counselor to steer her decisions in her best interests.
Don’t take over the guest list.
Sure, you’re eager to invite some of your nearest and dearest to witness the wedding of your child, but any guest decisions must be made in accordance with the betrothed couple’s wishes at the forefront. That means close family from both sides and the couple’s good friends come first.
Do consult with your daughter before you purchase your dress.
As you hope she’ll include you in the fun of choosing her wedding dress, ask for her opinion of what you should wear. Have her give her opinion on the fit and style of the dress as well as how it fits in with the vibe she’s going for. With so many options to choose from, it’s likely you’ll land on something you both love, although the final decision is yours.
But don’t aim to overshadow the bride.
Although it’s hard to upstage a bride in her wedding dress, keep in mind that you are not the star of the show and what you wear should reflect that. Of course, steer clear of white or ivory and instead choose a color that flatters you and suits the occasion. Think subtle and elegant. You can and should be one of the best dressed there, but avoid an attention-getting gown and let your daughter shine.
Do Share Family Heirlooms
If your daughter is interested in the tradition of having “something old” and “something borrowed” with her on her wedding day, help her find items with special meaning. They might include a pair of gorgeous earrings or the veil you wore on your wedding day, a family love letter or the recipe for a beloved family dish.
Do help to smooth ruffled feathers where you can.
Unfortunately, hurt feelings and misunderstandings are often par for the course of wedding planning. As the mother of the bride, you have the opportunity to help defuse those situations or even prevent them by setting a supportive example for the bride and groom. If a sticky situation does arise, ask your daughter if you can help by intervening in spots where you can make a difference rather than leaving all the mitigation to her. It’s likely unruly groomsmen and catty bridesmaids will take direction from a mother figure and you’ll spare your daughter the headache of dealing with them.
Don’t create issues with the groom’s mother.
Instead, recruit her as your partner in crime, so to speak. She’ll appreciate the thought, and you’ll head off any lingering tensions at the pass.
Do plan your toast in advance.
Mothers of the bride don’t always make a speech at their daughter’s wedding, but it’s not unheard of. If you’re planning on it, take time to reflect on what you want to express, put it down on paper, and practice it a few times before your wedding-day delivery.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
When it comes to throwing a beautiful wedding, there’s no shortage of ways it can come together. In that spirit, don’t argue with your daughter on small things that, while they may make your cringe or you feel are unnecessary, bring an element of uniqueness to the event or simply make her happy. If it’s not going to adversely affect the overall look and feel of the wedding, put it out of your mind and don’t let it stress you needlessly.
Do join in on the wedding-day bridal suite fun.
After so many months of planning, putting out fires, and lending the all-important supportive and sympathetic shoulder to your daughter, try to relax and enjoy a day of pampering with your best girl and her squad. Have some wine (but not too much!), let the bridesmaids include you in fun pics, slip on your beautiful dress and enjoy the rest of the day!
Watching your daughter walk down the aisle to begin her married life can be a wonderful moment as a mother. Bonding with her over the wedding planning process can mean memories you’ll cherish for a lifetime. With that in mind, approach your mother-of-the-bride role with grace, wisdom, patience, and love. Your daughter will thank you for it!