How to Ask Her Parents for Permission to Propose

In a world where traditions often evolve or fade away, the act of asking a woman's parents for permission to propose remains a significant gesture for many couples.

This is especially true in the United States. In fact, the 2022 Real Weddings Study by The Knot found that 71% of its survey respondents asked their partner’s parent or parents for permission before proposing.

In this guide, we'll delve into the history behind asking for a woman's hand in marriage, explore why some still choose to uphold this tradition, and provide advice on navigating this delicate conversation.

A Tradition Steeped in History

The tradition of asking the future bride's father (or parents) for her hand in marriage dates back centuries and spans cultures worldwide.

In many countries, the idea of marriage based on romance didn't emerge in the 18th century. Before then, marriage was considered more than a union between two individuals. It was a merging of families, assets, and alliances. During that time, seeking the father's permission was essential: It signified his approval of the union and ensured the continuity of lineage and familial bonds.

Even though the dynamics of modern relationships have shifted, the tradition of approaching one's future father-in-law, or other family members, before proposing endures.

The Tradition Today

For some, asking for permission to propose is a way to honor and acknowledge the role that parents have played in their lives and relationships.

It's a gesture of respect for the family's values and traditions and an opportunity to seek their support and guidance as the couple embarks on a new chapter together.

In an interview with WeddingWire, relationship and life coach Jonathan Bennett noted that asking permission to marry someone’s child can also be a way to show them you value their input on their child’s future. “This can come as a relief to many parents who might fear that they are completely ‘losing’ their child to marriage,” he said.

Is It Right for You?

Before deciding whether to ask your future father-in-law or future inlaws for permission to propose, we encourage you to consider the dynamics of your relationship with both your partner and her parents. While the tradition may hold sentimental value for some, it may not be appropriate or necessary for everyone.

Make sure that both you and your partner are on the same page about this. Some individuals may find the tradition of asking a parent for their daughter's hand outdated or even patriarchal, while others may appreciate the gesture. Along the same lines, consider your partner's family dynamics and whether her parents would welcome or expect such a request. Asking your future in-laws for permission to marry their daughter could result in newfound respect and a bonding experience. Or, it could fall flat.

Ultimately, the decision should be guided by mutual respect and understanding.

Tips to Consider

If you've decided to ask your future father-in-law or in-laws for permission before proposing, approaching the conversation with thoughtfulness and sensitivity is paramount.

Here are some tips for talking to a girlfriend’s parents about proposing.

Choose the Right Setting

Select a time and place where you can have a private and uninterrupted conversation with your significant other's father or both of her parents.

This should be an in-person conversation, not a call, text, or even a formal letter.

Express Your Intentions

As you talk with your future bride's parents, be genuine and sincere when expressing your desire to marry their daughter. Share your love and commitment to her and your intentions for the future.

Acknowledge Their Role

Recognize the significance of family members in your partner's life and express your respect and appreciation for their support and guidance.

Be Prepared for Questions

Anticipate that her parents may have questions or concerns, and be prepared to address them honestly and openly.

Listen and Respond with Empathy

Be attentive to family members' reactions and concerns and respond with empathy and understanding.

Try not to let yourself get defensive or argumentative if they express reservations.

Respond with Respect

Remain respectful after your partner's parents give you their decision, whether it's a wholehearted blessing or a request for more time to consider.

Here are a few more dos and don'ts to keep in mind when you speak with the family of your future wife:

-Do: Approach the conversation with humility and sincerity.

-Do: Listen actively to their perspectives and concerns.

-Don't: Pressure or manipulate them into giving their blessing.

-Don't: Disregard their feelings or opinions.

-Don't: Assume that their response will be positive.

Handling Rejection

In the event that your partner's parents express reservations or decline your request initially, it's essential to respond with grace and understanding.

Take the opportunity to address any concerns they may have and offer reassurance about your commitment to their daughter and your readiness for marriage.

Give them time to process their feelings and consider your proposal before revisiting the conversation.

Alternatives to Asking for Permission to Marry

While seeking parental permission remains a cherished tradition for many couples, it's not the only way to honor and involve parents in the proposal process.

Here are some alternatives that may be a better fit your your family values.

Seeking the Father's Blessing

Instead of asking for permission to marry, consider seeking your partner's father's blessing as a gesture of respect and inclusion.

Along the same lines, don't limit the conversation to your partner's father; talk with both of your girlfriend's parents.

Involving Parents in the Proposal

Invite your future inlaws to be part of the proposal itself, whether it's through a surprise engagement party or a special moment shared with both families.

Hosting a Family Celebration

Plan a celebration with both families after the proposal to announce your engagement and share the joyous occasion.

Personalizing the Tradition

Adapt the tradition to suit your relationship and family dynamic, whether it's involving both sets of parents or incorporating cultural customs.

Asking for permission to propose remains a meaningful gesture that strengthens familial bonds and underscores the importance of mutual respect and understanding.

Aim to approach the conversation with thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and an open heart, and be prepared to listen and respond with empathy. Whether the response is a wholehearted blessing or a request for more time to consider, remember that the most important thing is the love and commitment you share with your partner.

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