Weddings represent love, festivities, happiness, and making memories with family and friends.
So, it goes without saying that being forced to “fire” an attendant doesn’t exactly fit the fantasy, especially if we’re talking about your maid of honor. This was the person who was supposed to be your go-to person (aside from your partner) from the time you begin making wedding plans through the moment you made your grand exit from your wedding venue.
However, sometimes pulling your maid of honor or bridesmaid from your wedding party lineup is exactly what needs to happen to pull off the wedding of your dreams and to preserve the relationship.
Now, you may be wondering what exactly could prompt such a drastic move. Well, there could be any number of reasons why taking someone out of the bridesmaid lineup is the right decision, but there are a few surefire red flags to signal someone should not hold a place of honor at your wedding, such as:
She is causing problems between you and your spouse-to-be, other wedding party members, or close family members.
She is not holding up her end of the responsibilities such as showing up for dress fittings, party attendance, planning your bridal shower, or pitching in financially when others are;
She is acting in any way which is detrimental to your wedding planning or well-being rather than being a source of help and support.
She is being rude to you or dismissing your ideas and opinions.
She is not responding to your attempts to communicate with her.
She is making everything about her.
You’re starting to have concerns that she’ll act out at the wedding.
Dos and Don’ts To Consider
Of course, any reason you deem warrants a demotion from bridesmaid to wedding guest is your prerogative, but let us give you some dos and don’ts when it comes to breaking the news and handling the aftermath.
Don't rush the conversation. Take the time to carefully consider your words and approach the discussion with empathy and understanding, recognizing that this may be a difficult moment for both parties involved.
Do be honest, upfront, and clear about your reasons for making this decision. Most ways you cut it, this won’t be an easy conversation, so, if at all possible, schedule a face-to-face sit-down with your friend and talk to her about your decision and why you’re making it. Give her a chance to explain her side.
Don’t break the news over email or text. Your friend deserves to hear it from you in person.
Do stand your ground. You may be tempted to back down, especially if the bridesmaid or maid of honor becomes emotional. Be kind and respectful, but also firm. Remember, you didn’t come to this decision lightly.
Do express gratitude for her past support and friendship, emphasizing that your decision is based on what you believe is best for both of you in the context of the wedding planning process.
Do extend an invitation to the wedding and any related events regardless of the situation.
Don’t make a scene or guilt-trip her if she decides not to attend.
Do alert your groom, parents, and other bridesmaids about your decision. Keep private details to a minimum.
Don’t gossip about her after cutting her from the wedding party. This only creates a toxic environment for other bridal party members and may cause problems, especially if she is a friend of one or some of them.
Do reimburse her for the bridesmaid dress.
Don’t reimburse her for the bachelorette party or other soiree expenses.
Do ask one of your other bridesmaids to step into the role if you have to replace your maid of honor.
Don’t waffle once your decision is made. Going back on it and reversing course will only cause confusion and stress for those still involved and for you and her as well.
Don't dwell on the decision indefinitely. Once you've communicated your decision and allowed for discussion, focus on moving forward positively and maintaining the friendship, even if the dynamic has shifted slightly in the context of the wedding preparations.
Do take some time for self-care. After what was likely a stressful situation, you deserve it.
Keeping Your Friendship Intact
You may be wondering if your relationship can weather such a public storm. The truth is it absolutely can, but, as with most sticky situations, it depends on how you handle it. When you sit down to talk to your friend about your decision, taking an honest and forthright approach is best. Don’t sugarcoat the situation but don’t be unnecessarily harsh either. Maybe offer your friend an easy way out or allow her to save face by telling others that she had to bow out for her own reasons. If the friendship is important to you, express that clearly and say that just because the bridesmaid or maid of honor duties didn’t work out doesn't mean that bodes badly for your friendship.
Of course, maybe her behavior in the lead-up to your wedding was a wake-up call for you in terms of your desire to continue the relationship. If that’s the case, honestly is, once again, your best weapon. Be direct, forthright, and firm in ending the relationship and wishing her well.
Whatever you decide, make sure the decision lies peacefully on your heart as you walk down that aisle and into the next chapter of your life.
The Bell Tower on 34th, an Instagrammable wedding and event venue in Houston, TX, is committed to helping couples realize their wedding vision.
Learn more about holding a wedding here.
The Bell Tower on 34th
901 W 34th St, Houston, TX 77018
(713) 868-2355