When you ask the people closest to you to be your bridesmaids, in most cases, they’ll be honored and happy to be a source of support for you.
Ideally, those positive feelings will be just as strong when their time as your bridesmaids draws to a close.
But, without meaning to, you can put a serious strain on your relationships and inflict damage that will be felt long after your wedding day by making your bridesmaids feel uncomfortable, unappreciated, or just plain unhappy.
Generally, this happens when brides ask too much of their bridesmaids.
Are you wondering how much is too much? Here’s a look at what you reasonably can expect from your bridesmaids.
It is reasonable to ask for help with your wedding preparations—as long as you respect your bridesmaids’ time.
If you ask them to take on a major undertaking, like decorating your venue or baking your wedding cake, you’ve transformed them from bridesmaids to unpaid vendors. You don’t want them to feel like your personal servants.
Even in the case of tasks you consider relatively small, like checking out a florist near their office, make sure the bridesmaid feels comfortable with what you’re asking them to do—and your timeline for accomplishing it. If they have a concern, let them off the hook graciously.
If your bridesmaids have agreed to help you with a wedding to-do, make it easy for them.
What we’re saying is, don’t procrastinate, so your bridesmaids are forced to scramble with you to stuff invitation envelopes or assemble your wedding favors.
Make a plan for any task they’re helping with that includes who is doing what, along with the timing and location. And when you schedule the work session, allow time for it to be rescheduled—just in case life happens—without creating a stressful, rushed situation for everyone involved.
Ask your bridesmaids to wear the outfit you’ve selected, not to get a complete makeover.
It’s fine for the bride to select her bridesmaids’ dresses, and maybe even to request a specific hairstyle or shade of nail polish. But you’ll be crossing the line if you pressure a bridesmaid to lose weight or make a permanent change to the way they look.
A tip: Even though you, as the bride, can select your bridesmaids’ dresses, at least consider their preferences. Let them make suggestions that factor in what they find flattering, comfortable, and within their budgets. They’ll be happier and more confident during your wedding, and that only will enhance the day.
Bridesmaids are a source of emotional support and advice, but they’re not responsible for keeping the peace.
We realize that family drama is one of the last things you want to deal with when you’re planning your wedding, but expecting a bridesmaid to step in and smooth tensions is asking far too much.
"The only time bridesmaids should be tasked with conflict management is when a situation only encompasses the bridesmaids’ group, and it would be better for a bridesmaid to handle than the bride," MarthaStewart.com writes. "A bridesmaid should never be responsible for clearing up an issue between a bride and her future mother- or father-in-law, for example."
Being a bridesmaid involves expenses, but they should not be asked to spend more than they can afford.
Don’t forget that your bridesmaids already will be paying for their dress, and they’ll probably be chipping in for bridal shower and bachelorette party costs and buying wedding gifts. That doesn’t even get into potential travel costs and missing work to attend your wedding (and possibly, your wedding after-party). Keep that in mind before asking for an out-of-town bachelorette party or luxurious extras like a day at the spa that will add to your bridesmaids’ expenses.
Bridesmaids will help organize pre-wedding events, but they should be able to bow out of activities when necessary.
Expecting your bridesmaids to attend each pre-wedding event, from wedding dress shopping to your bridal shower, is a great way to cause resentment. It implies that you don’t respect their work and personal responsibilities. Show gratitude for what they help with, and let everything else go.
Basically, as long as you make a point of considering your bridesmaids’ needs and feelings, your bridesmaids will feel valued, and your relationships with them will remain strong as ever.
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